


The Reason I Hold On

by frecklesarechocolate



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-04-16
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frecklesarechocolate/pseuds/frecklesarechocolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean prays to Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reason I Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd, sorry.
> 
> Posted on my [tumblr.](http://deanhugchester.tumblr.com/post/48083543813/more-cas-you-got-your-ears-on-man-why-m)

__

_Cas, you got your ears on man?_

_Why 'm I even asking? I know you do, you sonofabitch._

_You could have answered me, you know._

_Or at least stayed to give me some damn answers._

_But no, instead, you have to flap off to god-knows-where._

_I get that you have to protect the damn angel tablet, man, but I don't care about that. I don't care about it at all._

_I just._

_I meant what I said man._

_That._

_That I need you._

*sigh*

_I was kinda hoping you'd..._

_Fuck._

_Where are you, man?_

 

 

* * *

 

_Cas, I know you're listening._

_Are you okay?_

_Are you safe? I mean, I know you can take care of yourself, but this Naomi bitch..._

_She came by to see me, you know._

_She's scary sincere, man. I can see how it would be easy to believe her._

_But I didn't. I mean, I don't._

_Believe her._

*long pause* 

_It'd just be easier if you were here._

 

* * *

_Cas? Hope you're okay._

_Sammy had a good day today. He still tries to hide some of the worst of it, I think. He doesn't want me to worry._

*soft laughter*

_I'm gonna worry no matter what though. You know that as much as anyone._

_Man, I'm worried about you too, though. I know you can take care of yourself. I know you're an angel. But the way Naomi played you... I don't know man, I'm just worried that she could do it again._

_Uh._

_Listen. Not sure if all of this praying is clogging up your airwaves or not. But, I'm gonna keep talkin', okay?_

_Need you to know..._

_I need you to know that it's okay. That stuff in the crypt... Well, we gotta talk about all of it, I guess. But I need you to know that you've got a place to come back to._

_If you want._  

_So. Um. Yeah, I'll just talk to you tomorrow._

 

 

* * *

_Cas? Wondering where you are today. Are you even in the US anymore, man? Did you flit over to Europe or something?_

_Takin' in the sights? Hope you get some good souvenirs._

*laughs* 

_I can just see you, man, lookin' at me like I'm crazy. I know you don't need souvenirs. It's just a saying..._

_You know what, forget it. Bein' stupid._

 

* * *

_Cas? Man, I hope you can hear me. It's hard, throwing this stuff out there and not knowing if you're even paying attention._

_I mean, I know you can hear me._

_But are you listening? Are you paying attention, you stupid sonofabitch?_

_How dare you. How dare you leave, man. I tell you I need you, and you just leave?_

_That's pretty fuckin' shitty man._

_What kind of friend does that? What about... What about our "profound bond"? Huh? What about that?_

*long pause* *loud exhale*

*softer*  _Can you come back, man? Just. Just come back. Come home, please._  

*softer still*  _I need you. I do._

 

 

* * *

_Goddammit Cas._  

_I am tired of this._

_I am tired of your bullshit._

_It's worse than talking to a wall. Because the fucking wall is at least here. I don't even know where you are. And I'm sick and fuckin' tired of worrying about you, about everyone. I'm worried about Sam. I'm worried about Kevin. I'm worried about his fuckin' mom, dammit. I shouldn't have to worry about you. What the hell._

_You know what? I'm done. I can't... I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here night after night praying to you, hoping that you'll answer me, that you'll come back. So fuck it. Fuck you. I'm done._

*short while later*

_Cas, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I miss you. Come home, please._

 

 

* * *

"Hello, Dean." For a moment, Dean didn't think it was real, that the words he'd been hoping to hear for days, weeks,  _months_  were actually being spoken outside of his brain. But he knew they were, because there was that sensation, that presence that accompanied the words. Dean always knew when Cas was there because there was a shift in the feel of the room, in the atmosphere.

Dean turned, and sure enough, standing at the other side of the room was Cas. He looked tired and uncertain, things Dean never thought he'd see on the angel's face, and yet there they both were, drawing the corners of his mouth down, pulling at his eyes and stooping his shoulders. The trench coat looked even more ill-fitting than ever, as if the man beneath had shrunk some since purchasing it. 

"Cas," Dean breathed.

Cas crossed the room and sat next to Dean. "I am sorry Dean."

Now that the angel was here, Dean wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to do with him. There was a part of him that wanted to shake Cas until his head rattled. Another part of him wanted to punch his lights out. Not that he'd actually be able to do any of those things. Sometimes it really sucked having an angel as a best friend. You couldn't exactly punch each other until you both felt better.

Well.

Cas could.

Dean opted for staring at Cas, open-mouthed and silent.

Cas stared at his hands, which were clasped in his lap. "I did hear you. And I wanted to respond."

Something inside Dean snapped. "Then why didn't you? I thought... God Cas, I don't know what I thought!" His voice was raised, and he knew that Sam could probably hear him, but he just didn't care. He was seething. "It wouldn't take much, you know. Just pick up the goddamn phone, pop in,  _something."_  

Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes wide and miserable. "I didn't..." he stopped himself. "I had to deal with the tablet, and then... I didn't know how to. Come back."

To Cas's surprise, Dean let out a bark of laughter. There was very little humor in the sound, though. "We're a fucked up pair, aren't we?" Cas nodded, and a puff of his own laughter escaped.

"Did you mean it?" Cas asked after a long quiet moment where the only sound was of the fluorescent bulbs humming overhead. "That you need me?"

When Dean looked up, Cas was looking at him intently. Dean was used to this, Cas's scrutiny, deep and fathomless. It almost always sent a soft chill down his spine, but this time it was followed by something else, something more. It settled in the pit of his belly, warm and low. Dean just nodded in answer to Cas's question, unable to muster any sound from his voice.

"I... I learned a lot of things while I was away. About the tablet, yes, but also about me." Cas stopped, and he seemed to be gearing himself up for something. He leaned forward just a hair, crowding even further into Dean's personal bubble, so that when he exhaled slowly, Dean could feel his breath moist and warm on his cheek. Dean inhaled and held his own breath, afraid to shatter the fragility of the moment. 

Cas blinked his eyes slowly, closing them and opening them at a glacial pace. The action drew Dean's eyes up to Cas's own, and for a moment Dean was certain that he could see Cas, not just the vessel that was Jimmy Novak, but Cas as he truly was - a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. It was like trying to find the bottom of the deepest spot of the ocean, and Dean felt a wave of vertigo as he stared. Cas blinked again, and the feeling was gone, only to be replaced by astonishment as Cas pressed his lips, dry and achingly chapped, to Dean's. 

Dean jerked backward. "Cas, what..." Dean tried to ignore the look of pain that bloomed in Cas's eyes. 

"I. I-I must have misunderstood. I'm sorry, Dean." Cas stood and made as if to go, but Dean grabbed his wrist.

"Don't. Don't you fucking go. Not again. I just. Wasn't expecting that." Dean tugged on Cas's wrist, pulling the angel down to sit next to him again.

"If I tried it again... would you be expecting it this time?" Cas asked. Dean nodded, and Cas swooped in and kissed him again, not even waiting for Dean to finish the motion. The kiss was soft and sweet, and, in Dean's opinion, entirely too brief. But when Cas pulled away, Dean knew it was right to do so.

"Don't think this changes anything. I'm still pissed at you," Dean said.

"Okay," Cas responded, and then he kissed Dean again.

"I mean it," Dean said in between kisses.

"Okay," Cas said again, cupping Dean's face in his hands. "I'm just going to keep doing this for a while though. If that's okay." Cas didn't wait for Dean to respond.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to the following songs:
> 
> Stay - Rihanna featuring Mikky Ekko  
> I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie  
> Coming Home - Diddy and Skylar Grey
> 
> The image is my capture and my edit.


End file.
